I decided that having not done a post in a while, I would throw in all my anti-Royal tendencies and actually blog about the Royal Wedding. Maybe if you’re as sick of all the media hype as I am, you’ll see this post and groan…as I am. But seeing as I’m not getting married this year, I thought I’d at least watch someone else’s wedding. I did actually want to do something for it – do some sort of tea party with British food, like scones, coronation chicken, pie and chips. But everybody I know to invite has either left the country or is boycotting the wedding entirely. For me, I thought the timing is kind of reflective of the 80s, with everybody being hyped up, flapping their Union Jacks at a Royal Wedding, that has reportedly cost billions of pounds, whilst the government’s cuts continues to sink its teeth further into the backs of the public.

Anyway, here is my minute by minute account:

09.43 – Nothing much is happening. People are taking their seats in the Abbey, shuffling around, bumping into each other. Most of them probably aren’t used to such close proximity to other humans. I thought it was quite a small choice, Westminster Abbey, as I actually graduated there, although I suspect it seemed a lot smaller when I was there as they were renovating it at the time and we were only allowed two guests.

They’re now talking to Kate’s – sorry Catherine’s – hair stylists. Obviously important stuff. Anything to fill up the day of wedding reporting that the BBC has set aside for this wedding schizzle. An easy day of scheduling for them no doubt.

09.53 – Now showing the household cavalry getting themselves together, with their tall gold helmets. Always thought the hair bits on their heads made them look like 80s’ chavs.

Someone I know rides the horses in Hyde Park most days. Because they’re the Queen’s horses, she has to wear the right formal gear and everything, and though she doesn’t have to pay, she had to go through all sorts of rigorous checks.

09.57 – the crowds are crazy, with union jacks all over their faces. Apparently, the Union Jack is technically called the Union Flag on land. It should only be known as the Union Jack when flown on a ship. Yeah, you see. I bet you’re glad you’re reading this blog post now – would never have learnt something like that off the tele this morning!

10.00 – the ceremony will start in an hour. Apparently, their final hymn will be Jerusalem – a personal favourite of mine. We used to have a commemmoration service and traipse down to Canterbury Cathedral at the end of every school year when I was younger. The service took place in the cathedral itself, and we always finished with Jerusalem which made us leave on a high, victorious note. Except of course, that the lyrics are originally a poem written by William Blake who was making a commentary on the downtrodden society of the day. In fact, if you read it, you’ll see he is actually criticising our ideal of England:

And did those feet in ancient time
Walk upon England’s mountain green?
And was the holy Lamb of God
On England’s pleasant pastures seen?
And did the countenance divine
Shine forth upon our clouded hills?
And was Jerusalem builded here
Among those dark satanic mills?

Bring me my bow of burning gold!
Bring me my arrows of desire!
Bring me my spear! O clouds, unfold!
Bring me my chariot of fire!
I will not cease from mental fight,
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand,
Till we have built Jerusalem
In England’s green and pleasant land.

10.03 – why do the crowds keep screaming? It’s a wedding not a Status Quo concert. Now Fearne Cotton is talking, so I’m temporarily switching over the TV. I had to do it earlier when David Cameron was talking. It’s okay though, as Spellbound is on BBC 2, the film by Hitchcock. Ding dong Gregory Peck!

10.07 – Fearne has gone now. Thank God. Whilst they’re time filling with pointless conversation again, I’ll take the oppotunity to talk about them going on about the fact that Kate Middleton is ommitting the phrase about “obeying her husband” in the marriage vows.The media is reporting it as if this is a new thing, but honestly, people have hardly used this line for years, including royalty. What’s funny though is how much she is having to change herself to fit in with his family. More on this later.

10.12 – oh look! The Bentleys are on their way! Princes Harry and William. People are going crazy. They just saluted something at the same time. Not sure what. Ha ha – people have got these piddly little makeshift periscopes. They had massive ones in the 80s for Charles’ and Diana’s wedding, but these are tiny!

Anyway, back to what I was saying: I am sick of hearing on all the programmes, or being told by numerous reporters and presenters that the wedding day is every girl’s dream, and especially a royal wedding! Not mine, thank you very much. My dream at the moment is to win the lottery – I thought that was everyone’s dream. And more importantly, I wouldn’t like to have to marry a prince. There is so much pressure to adhere to strict traditions, be liked by the bloody Queen for God’s sake, even change your name to Princess William. I don’t want to be known as Princess “my husband”. I’m me, not him! Obviously she has to change her surname too, I’m guessing. She’s also been christened for the wedding – yes, joined a religion for it.

And what’s William doing? Well, he’s not even wearing a wedding ring because, “he’s never worn jewellery”. I don’t really get that. If you wear a wedding ring, you belong to someone so to speak. It’s the symbol showing you’re committed to someone. He’s doing so many of the other traditional things in the ceremony, why not this? Surely this is the tradition that makes the most sense, and should be the last to be thrown out. But each to his own, each to his own.

10.21 – apparently, every coronation but two has happened in Westminster Abbey since 1066. Oh dear, William is seriously bald! He almost has a comb over. Probably something to do with wearing army hats all the time as much as genetics. He’s in the Abbey now, doing the rounds with the relatives. He looks quite happy. He’s now going to a private area with Harry to chill out.

One of the two who weren’t coronated at Westminster Abbey was Henry VIII. At the moment I’m reading a hefty book about his six wives by David Starkey. It’s full of the technicalities about his first divorce from his first wife Catherine of Aragon, and I don’t really follow what is happening half the time. Anyway, going back to the vows business, when Catherine married Henry (she’d already married his older brother Arthur, but he died a few months later – if you read the book, you’ll realise just how often people popped their clogs, how many widows and widowers there were in medieval times), Catherine had to make so many more vows to him. Obviously the role of the king was quite a lot more important in those days. See further down for more about the vows…

10.42 – it’s all go go go. The Royal Gurners – the Queen and Prince Phillip – are now in their car, parading down the street. Prince Charles and Camilla have just got out their car. Phillip’s got a sword – someone should take him down! I bet there’s some tradition to that sword, like it’s there for him to defend the Queen or something. Oh look, Rowan Williams is there greeting them. I almost said Rowan Atkinson. He is actually there as well. I wonder if they meant to invite him, or just made the same mix-up I did. Apparently, Kate Middleton will be leaving at precisely 10.51. That made me laugh – so precise. So now, I suppose?

10.51 – here we go. She’s in the car. She’s waving. I resent commenting on it, because it’s all the media have talked about, but it looks like a really nice dress.

Goddamit, someone ate my bananas. My special breakfast to fuel my cynicism. I know who it is…

11.01 – at the Abbey now. What a lovely dress. She looks happy too. She looks like she’s taking a few deep breaths. At least they aren’t having the old Here Comes the Bride. Good thing too – it was written by Wagner, an anti-Semite. I’m surprised the BBC didn’t try to make her late for a bit of melodrama – that’s apparently what they do in Don’t Tell the Bride, send the limousines away and stuff just to make the bride late.

11.08 – at the altar. They’re all bouncing off their toes. Like policemen. Four in a row – Harry, William, Kate and her dad. They’re singing a hymn – I love it; even in the most formal, royal of ceremonies, people still mumble the words! Now Rowan Atkinson, I mean Williams, has started and the happy couple don’t look very happy. A colleague at work is watching this with her kids, and apparently all her daughter can keep saying is,

“What if Kate says no?” I think that’s brilliant. She could still say it I suppose.

11.15 – the vows now. Straight to it. At least she said, “I will.” I bet my friend’s daughter is relieved. Oh God, and then her father hands her to William. That’s one bit I do NOT like. So formal and stiff and patriarchal. Nervous maybe? Rings now. Oh no – just one. Of course, she’s his to keep, not the other way round. And they are “man and wife” not “husband and wife”. It’s like medieval times when the Queen was the King’s property. I remember now why I was thinking of not watching this whole thing.

Nobody is crying – I’m disappointed, but not surprised. It’s hardly equal, and waaay too civilised. Finishing on what I started talking about earlier, it was worse in the old days of Henry VIII’s time. When the King made his vows, he would say the usual to have and to hold stuff, and the Queen would respond with the same vows, but with a little extra – she promised to be:

“bonny and buxom in bed and at board”.

11.24 – the Middleton brother is doing a reading – quick toilet break. God I’m hungry. Wish I had those bananas.

Can’t help but feel like I wish I was still getting married this year. But oh well, it was the right choice for us. A wedding is only meant to happen once, and once the day is over, that’s it. At least I still have it to look forward to in a couple of years. My friend wanted to renew her vows almost as soon as she got married just so she could do it all again in a different way, because it was such a nice day! I think it’s a shame we don’t have more events in life to get as dressed up for, and have a big party. Maybe most people only rush to get married because they love the hype and excitement. Maybe marriages would last longer if people had more events to choose from and so didn’t rush into it. Maybe I’ll just have a great 25th birthday party this year instead? I need a new project!

11.32 – now anooooother sermon about marriage. Well, at least the married couple is listening. I wonder if this bloke gives the same sermon at every wedding as I know some vicars do. I hope they remembered to formally give notice of their wedding, otherwise this whole hooplah isn’t viable.

11.39 – another hymn. I read an article the other day by David Starkey (also the author of the book I’m reading). He was saying how everyone going on about Kate being a commoner is strange, as she isn’t the first. Loads of Kings have married so-called commoners. I love it that she is termed a commoner. Upper middle class commoner. Funny how her granddad was a coal miner or something, yet she has the accent of the Queen. At what point did her parents stop speaking commonly and start speaking posh-like? As Kate does?

11.46 – kneeling at the altar. Can’t hear anything – the dustmen are outside. Don’t think I’m missing much. Now they’re singing Jerusalem so it must be near the end. They called it patriotic – even though it’s anti-this country. I think it’s the end of the service now. I always get that butterfly feeling at this point, or rather, when I used to go to church. It meant church was almost over – ha ha ha!

11.52 – now the national anthem. Imagine if the Queen hated this song, if it was her least favourite song in the world, and people are always singing it to her. It’s like the Joe Pasquale song to her – “I know a song that’ll get on your nerves”. Or maybe it’s the opposite. She loves it so much, but is never actually allowed to join in as it’s about her. She’s like,

“I bloody love this one – woo!” whenever someone starts singing it.

11.55 – signing three registers now. Not quite lunch time yet.

12.04 – shit, got distracted by trying to find something non royal-related to do this weekend. The orchestra is playing Crown Imperial  – quite like this one. It’s like Indiana Jones. They didn’t do the whole kiss the bride thing! Oh dear – Harry looks like he’s holding in a fart. Now they’re all leaving. Church bells etc. Crowd cheers. Might pop into London. See what all the fuss is about. Got nothing else to do, no engineering works on the underground.

12.10 – the royal couple are in their carriage. I noticed that whenever Wills salutes, Kate bows her head in modesty. Wonder what they’re saluting. Past the cenotaph and the memorial to the women of Britain during WWII. I wonder how many people are watching worldwide. The noise of the crowd!

12.23 – passing the media and press studios now. Watched a programme yesterday. The press caterer said American journalists like chicken. Interesting stuff. Just checked the TV guide – apparently this is on for another hour! Can’t be arsed to wait around.

Congrats to the royal couple.

Phew!

Glad THAT’s all over with. Nothing like the relief from stress when everything’s sorted out. It’s like that Aaaaah! feeling when you let those pelvic floor muscles drop on the toilet, having paced outside the bathroom for half an hour waiting for that person to get out the bloody shower.

So now, where did we leave it? Oh yes, Brighton. Well, my last post made me sound like I was about to walk off a harbour, but I wasn’t suicidal. I think I got some people a little worried. Whoopsy! I was fine, though my head was a little up and down then, and watching the film Control about Ian Curtis didn’t help things. Me and the bo were just trying to work a few things out about the summer summer summer time and the oncoming wedding. Or rather incoming! Like a torpedo bombing a war ship.

“Incoming!” BANG!

As you can see, I’m still a little crazy. And I do realize that likening a wedding to a torpedo is a bit of a negative simile. And I also realize that “realize” is the way Americans spell it. It’s actually realiSe.

So, back to Brighton. The generous fiance actually paid (yes pretty much) for me to stay in a nice hotel called Sea Spray. I missed the train on the way to Brighton (bloody rubgy in Twickenham, loads of men in kilts) but managed to make it to the hotel, dropped my bags, sat on the bed, and then twiddled my thumbs. I’d planned on doing some writing – or even to write a blog post, but in the end I just splattered my mind onto a new Word document. Or rather, wrote out everything I was thinking and doing. Emptying it like a buddha…maybe does. And I did well – 8 pages worth in fact. I’ve only looked back at it once. What did I write?

Everything. Everything that was bothering me (when I got back, the boyfriend suggested reading it so he could see what I’d been thinking – my mind immediately flashed to that episode of Friends when Rachel writes that 10 page or something (double sided) letter to Ross, which makes him fall asleep. So obviously I said, “Don’t worry, I’ll paraphrase”).

Anyway, I went out that first night in Brighton, ate loads of food in Zizzis (think the chefs felt sorry for me being on my own so gave me loads), then went back to the hotel. On the way, someone threw a water bomb from a car at a group of boys I passed. Bizarre. Back at the hotel, the room itself was really nice and cosy, if with a few too many notices like, “Please feel free to use the CD player – there are even speakers in the bathroom…butifyouputitabove12decibelsthepeoplenextdoorwillhearitsoplease DON’T”. Or, “Please help yourself to fresh towels, and if you need them washed, just drop them on the floor…butrememberthatwetakeover300!!!towelstothecleanerseveryweekanditwouldbe REALLY GOOD ifyoucouldtryandnotmaketoomanydirty.”

Anyway, the hotel was run by friendly staff, and the breakfast was really nice, but the walls were too thin. Yes, the bouncy couple sharing the room next door on the second night were NOT helping me clear my buddhist mind. I even heard him go into their bathroom afterwards. I had to turn up the TV. Saying hello on the stairs the next morning was, er, enlightening, you can imagine.

So, that was Brighton. Pretty much wandered around, ate and slept the second day. If I was one of those active people, I probably would have had a jog along the promenade. But I’m not, so I didn’t. If I had been one of those teenage boys that had just learnt how to play Sunshine of Your Love on the bass, I probably would have gone in that really cool music shop that’s painted outside like the Yellow Submarine. But I wasn’t, so I didn’t.

Instead I walked loads and loads, and played in the arcade on the pier, but obviously didn’t win anything on the grabby machine (the woman next to me on the bus this morning had such long nails, she made me think of that machine). I reminded myself of Alan Partridge when he plays the dance machine on his own in the arcade.

I love Brighton – it’s a good place to get away to on your own if you’ve never done it before. It’s funny how people don’t expect you to do that if you’re in a relationship.

Looking back, it feels like ages ago. The boyfriend and I have spoken loads since then, and also before. I’ve never spoken to anyone as much as I have done to him, about my reservations, about us, about me. It was really…refreshing. We didn’t argue once, no matter how honest we were, which is a first.

So what is the problem? To put it neatly, the timing wasn’t right. There’s nothing wrong with waiting. We therefore decided to postpone the wedding this year. We aren’t getting married next year either. We’ve been together for 7 years (as of today), and if anything we’ve realised it’s better to wait and keep everything in check than to just go ahead and do something that may inevitably worsen the situation. I don’t think I’ve felt this relaxed in a while. A week ago, I was upset that we had decided to cancel, especially seeing everybody who is getting married on Facebook. Now, I’m feeling strangely happy for those people and elated, if a little thumb-twiddly (this must be what it feels like for many when they’ve been planning their wedding for years and suddenly the wedding day is over and they have nothing to do – at least I still have one to look forward to at some point).

I’ll just have to find another project to set my mind on. Like my sister’s wedding next year? 😉